I’ve been feeling really down lately. I was really triggered by some stuff in counseling and whatever. So I was away for a bit. I’m feeling better and I wrote this earlier and wanted to share it here.
Abusers are like cheap pressboard wood furniture that you buy from a big box store. From a distance it looks good. Up close, if you don’t look too closely, it still looks good. No matter how gentle and caring you are with your cheap pressboard furniture, it will always be just that, cheap pressboard. It might have a oak or cherry veneer, but the veneer is fake, it’s just something to lure you in, to convince you that this hunk of sawdust that’s been stirred with glue and literally pressed together is worth your while. It will never be oak, or cherry though. And with pressboard furniture if you make a mistake, no matter how gently you try to repair the mistake, the mistake is always thrown in your face as a moment of carelessness, a moment when you were wrong and it will never be forgiven, even if it was a simple innocent mistake.
I have such a piece of furniture. I put it together myself. It’s been moved around the country and considering such, it has held up well. But there is one flaw on a door where I was trying to screw the receiver to the magnetic holder in and I put it in the lower part of the door some how. It burst through the veneer and cracked. Gently I super glued the cracked veneer back into place, but it’s still there, because I know it’s there I can see it easily, even in low light. It’s just an inanimate object, but it will never let me forget a small mistake. It has no forgiveness, no ability to heal or be healed by my love. So it is with an abuser. They are innocent of doing wrong, your love will never be good enough for them to not abuse you, your love will not heal them. Abusers only show us their veneer at first. That is how we get emotionally invested in them, in being in a relationship with them. Then very innocently, something we do cracks the veneer. From then onward they will always abuse us, beat us down verbally/emotionally/physically. They bill themselves as solid and worth the price of a handsome well made piece of heavy oak furniture like what you see on Antiques Roadshow, exotic, rare, with unique character flaws, but overall beautiful and worth digging out of the neighbors trash. But with veneer, an ugly scar will always be. You can’t sand it down, revarnish it or repair it to “as good as new”. You can only try to frantically glue the pieces together so that when anyone else looks at it, they hopefully won’t see the flaw that is so obvious to you.
I know, I should have already done this. But part of me is afraid cuz he will know what county we moved to when I file, and while this is a largish community, it’s not a major city. It’s kinda in-between. I told her that when I first left X last year and filed for legal custody that the judge in our old county turned down all of my alternative forms of service that were available to me. It’s not my fault that X is overseas and can’t get the local paper to see public postings, or drop into the courthouse to see public postings, and this one…. the judge wouldn’t even let me use US registered mail sent to X’s fathers (P’s GrandFather) PO box in foreign country, even though I called the USPS and was told that they would honor a registered mail reciept from that country. AAARGH! That is the ONLY address I have for him. 
